Adventures in Fatherhood

Before the arrival of my little boy I was quite afraid. If the wife’s pregnancy and the upcoming labour wasn’t enough to keep me constantly on edge, then the advice from family, friends, work colleagues, the NCT group and random strangers down the pub about the post-birth after-life was almost enough to send me rolling down the cliff-side. All I had to look forward to from this point to the end of eternity was incessant mountains of poo, sleep deprivation, an end to all social activity and incessant mountains of poo (so important it needs to be said twice). Not to mention that if the little man had colic then I would effectively rise one morning after a month of non-stop crying as something resembling a shuffling brain-eating zombie.  

And for a time at the beginning of this new adventure I thought they would be right. At the birth, my boy came out covered in poo. Typical! He was also fairly ill for his first the ten days in the world, spending a short time in the hospitals neonatal intensive care unit (a really humbling experience) and needing a course of antibiotics to overcome the illness. The antibiotics had an unfortunate after affect. On his third day the little one would plaster my right arm with fiery orange liquid death that was fired like an Exocet missile from his tiny little bottom. It could have been a full-on chest shot except the squeak of a fart encouraged me to take a side-step. Most of the evil just arched across the room instead, destroying the wall on the other-side (a good nine feet away). I’d never seen anything like it. The tiny extra bit he squeezed out for simple chuckles after the main course still haunts me to this day. Walking into the nurses’ ward to ask for help I felt like the guy from Robocop who crashes his van into a tub of toxic waste. “Help me, I’m melting…”

Luckily, such early encounters with unbelievable amounts of baby poo have guarded me well for all future nappy changing events. Rather than freak-out like a complete goof, I made the decision that where the little one was concerned I’d simply suck it in (an intake of breath, not the poo) and get on with things. As such, I’m now a Zen master of nappy changing! More to the point it shows for all the stuff people tell you prior to the birth, you really don’t know how you’re going to deal with things until you’re actually in the danger zone. Thinking about changing nappies during the wife’s pregnancy made me feel icky; post-birth, what’s the big fucking deal!

Yes, he is a rubbish sleeper and my social activity has been reduced to virtually nothing; people were not wrong about that. I originally thought, rather naively, that babies arrived from the womb fully understanding the sleep process. Do. They. Bollocks! No, you have to train them how to sleep, which is pretty much like attempting to train a puppy not to lick their plums. Yet even here there are hidden bonuses. I’ve worked out I can survive through the day on just four hours of sleep and remain effective at work, rather than wander around like a perpetually clueless goon. Likewise, although my social-life has been stunted this has had a great effect on my physique. I feel more energised from avoiding beer, not to mention the weekend hangover has been vanquished, and I’m much thinner and fitter than before.

Which makes me question, why does no one tell you about these benefits before having a baby? Why is it always ‘covered in poo’, ‘you’ll be walking about like a zombie’ and ‘the first few months are hell’? Additionally, why does no one tell you about the wonderful things that happen as your child slowly grows into himself? Perhaps it’s down to the simple joy of letting you find out and experience the more amazing things for yourself, at undisclosed times when you’re least expecting it.

A case in point, the other week I was moving a suitcase which involved raising the metal handle into its full position so that it could be easily pulled along the floor. So, I raised the handle up, got distracted by something and slammed it back down into the hidden position. The little tinker was watching on and decided this was the funniest thing he had ever seen. The belly laugh and his chuckling were so infectious I did it again. And again. And again. In total I did this with the suitcase handle about 20 times and the little man’s uncontrolled joy never ceased; he just kept chuckling away like a gibbon. The action I was carrying out was not in the remotest bit funny, but in a child’s world it was a moment of wonder and sheer amazement. Oh, to be a child again, huh?

So, almost nine months of being a father have passed and he’s already standing himself up and cruising with the aid of furniture. It’s been an incredible journey so far. Here's to the next set of adventures as he grows into a toddler. Although, if at all possible, if you could avoid hosing me down with liquid shit again, that would be nice…!

Where's Wall-E?

There is quite a bit of shit on the Internet. UFO fanatics, conspiracy theory lunatics, anti-vivisectionists with a God complex, vegetarians, creationists, white supremacists, Fox News and similar have caused cyberspace to become a minefield of mis-information, factoids and ignorance. I’ve encountered idiots that have summarised the complex societal and cultural factors that led to the Rwandan genocide as little more than ‘blacks killing blacks’; accidentally found myself on websites that believe Karl Marx’s ‘Communist Manifesto’ is really one of the ten most evil books ever committed to print; and regularly have to contend with Man Utd numpties that cannot deal with the fact that 18+5 is greater than 19+3! I feel sorry for the children that will grow up regularly using this resource without the necessary skill to identify bias and bullshit from the reality. And with fewer young people opting to take history at GCSE or beyond every year, a generation of unthinking simpletons that take the Internet at face value is all the more likely.

Anyway, I digress. Every now and then when trawling through a river of shit, you tend to locate a solid gold nugget of awesome. Cyberspace is no different. For every ill-informed opinion, there is generally something astounding to come across online that makes you think humanity stands a half-decent chance. My first encounter with this phenomenon was a simple online personality test (which, sadly, no longer exists). It was incredible due to its 100% successful hit rate. You simply filled in some details about yourself, answered some easy questions and though a complex algorithm the test immediately identified your personality type. No matter who or the details and answers submitted, the Windows pop-up generated at the end of the test was deadly accurate. ‘You are a cunt’ it would always say. Utter genius.

To this day it’s those little gems that keep my cyber existence sane. Lately it’s been the simple joy of a ‘Where’s Wally’ double page illustration, albeit supplanted with ‘Wall-E’ from the Pixar movie hidden amongst a host of other well known robots. It’s great! For a start, if you don’t like Wall-E then you obviously have no soul. Secondly, once you’ve found the little bugger (not really that difficult) you get the added bonus of attempting to name every single robot in the illustration. It’s a simple and effective yet highly entertaining concept that provides the same child-like endearment the original Wally illustrations provided. There’s Gort, Kryten, Twiki, The Terminator, the boxes from Terrorhawks, Bender, Tik-Tok, evil Bill and Ted, Robby the Robot, R2, C-3PO and many more. Try it. With your inner-child refreshed you can then look forward to tackling the jism-monkeys and skunk pussies of the Internet with renewed vigour…

LARPing around...

So, what did you get up to over the bank holiday weekend? Pitch up a tent in a wet, muddy camp and stoke the fire-pit into action? Put on some light armour and tool up with a host of sword and sorcery weaponry? Teleport into a nefarious Liche’s tower? Hounded from pillar to post by undead monstrosities and ‘cleaners’ looking to feast upon your soul? Search for a phylactery and make your escape before being turned into a brain-eating zombie? Drunk a shitload of mead and had many a chuckle with like minded people, whilst maintaining a healthy fear of death?

None of the above? In which case the endless rain probably made for a miserable weekend of staying indoors and being bored stupid on the Internet. I pity you. If you haven’t already guessed, I spent the weekend in rather more enjoyable fashion. Investing some quality time with my inner geek! Since the August bank holiday of 2003 said weekend has been the one time a year where I kit out in ranger garb (medium armour, a camp underarm scout bag, latex sword and warhammer, hero belt, etc), forget about the real world and all its associated problems and look to survive the terrors the world of live action role-play has in store for me. 

No, not re-enactment; live action role-play. The difference is your destiny is fixed in re-enactment. In live action role-play you create your own character, make your own choices and decisions, build your skills slowly and hope to live through the weekend despite your own failings and foibles. I’ve been playing the same character for nine years now and am amazed to still be alive (although there have been some close calls). In contrast my brother attended his first event this bank holiday and didn’t survive the second day! Fickle are the Larping Gods (or duck next time you melon). In this time I’ve had a mage-bolt through the head for plastering Life of Brian inspired graffiti all over the white wall of some bastard at The Gathering; owned the only enchanted weapon in the Balrog system at the time – a shorter than short talking short-sword that’s about as much use as a chocolate fireguard when all the monsters use pole arms; and seen my old uni housemate grind out a pole-dance in front of a horny ogre in nothing but a red g-string. The retinas are still burning from that experience.

I also run about like a total loon for some reason. That’s probably down to the leather armour getting tighter and chaffing more each year, telling me that I’m turning into a right fat bastard and really should do something about it. So, faced against a heavily armoured merchant of death, who also happens to be an expert weapon user and has a gazillion hit points (to my five), rather than stand my ground and fight I’ll usually sprint uphill to tire the enemy out. For the exercise of course, not because I’m some kind of big girly wuss. And whilst I did return home thinner the real bonus of this tactic was the point where, just as the nasty beasty was about to finally take a swing with his sword and catch me, he instead stacked it and crumpled to a pathetic heap on the ground, much to the jubilation of my fellow warriors. That I turned around and got a couple of swift low blows in whilst he was getting back to his feet says more for my undead opponent than for my combat skills. Running about is tiring stuff (my thighs were still aching two days later from all the sprinting); when this character is finally killed off I’m going to grow old gracefully and replace him with a mage.

Still another year, another partially successful campaign! Although I entered the portal to escape the tower with my right arm knackered, my armour needing extensive repairing and my lungs lodged firmly in my oesophagus, a hero’s welcome would greet the party on our return to Passegem (a location in Yarm, of course). Except I forgot to think of ‘Passegem’ as I entered the portal. Instead, I was thinking of ‘water’ (all that running about is thirsty work). So, on the otherside I’m expecting to land in either a muddy puddle, the middle of a lake, or worse yet, a large expanse of water known as an ocean. Why didn’t I just think ‘tits’?

Anyway, I got back to work on Thursday and all I could think about is how thoroughly mundane the real world is. Oh well, only another 350 odd days left until I can unleash the full geek again (sigh)...

The Dude Abides!

There comes a time in life when you suddenly realise there is something out there that is far better than being a Jedi. This usually coincides with one maturing into adulthood, which itself coincides with watching The Big Lebowski. Now, rather than pretending to use the Force to switch the television channel over, or having light-sabre fights with bread-sticks, you can instead give in to your inner-Dude and drink as many White Russians as you can muster! Fuck it, who cares about destroying the Death Star when you can go bowling instead. Destroying the Death Star sounds too much like hard work and, as an acolyte of El Duderino, that’s just a step too far from the pursuit of idle perfection.

Hell, even watching The Big Lebowski requires too much effort these days. Imagine how much time you could be spending admiring your rug that really ties the living room together instead! What we really need is some smart-arse to compile a short version of The Big Lebowski so that all the eternal slackers that abide to the concepts of Dudeism can dutifully pay tribute to their saviour regularly. And just when you thought one of the fucking funniest movies ever made couldn’t get any better, oh my, it just has.

Here is a version of The Big Lebowski you can watch that only take a few minutes of your time and will still have you in absolute hysterics! I swear my spleen almost burst from too many chuckles, which in all honesty, is very un-Dude like…

The 'fucking' short version...

 

Premiership season 2011/12 about to start - Yay!

Right, the new Premiership season kicks off at 3pm. My Fantasy Football team is all ready to kick the bejesus out of all those armchair centurions who know jack shit about football (http://www.premierleague.com/page/Home/ - let me know if you have a league in which I can destroy you as well). And where would we be without the regulation commentary on the riders and runners the morning before kick off. Here’s my take on things ahead of Liverpool levelling United in the most number of league trophies won…!

Arsenal – It would be churlish to suggest that if, as expected, Fabregas and Nasri both leave the Gunners that Arsenal are finished. After all, Wenger does have a habit of finding and nurturing precocious young talent and getting them to play football (neat triangles, wonderful movement, etc) better than any other manager in the Premiership. But losing two world class players and regular match winners is likely to hurt any ambition Arsenal have for glory this season. If Wenger can re-invest in defence by bringing targets like Gary Cahill or Phil Jags to the club it would at least shore up their one consistent failing of last season – letting Newcastle score four against them!. In addition, with the likes of Van Persie, Wilshere, Walcott and Arshavin they’re not totally starved of quality. A season of transition, but the likes of Liverpool, Spurs and Everton will look to pounce and take the opportunity to wrestle a regular Big Cup berth off of them. Beware the wounded animal though.

Aston Villa – The loss of Ashley Young and Stewart Downing will be well felt, although the signing of a quality winger in Charles N’Zogbia should be enough to provide Darren Bent the quality service that’s made him one of the most consistent Premiership goal-scorers in recent seasons. Perhaps the real key to Villa’s season is how rusty Shay Given is in goal following a year of bench-warming at City. At his best, he’ll save at least two certain goals per game, but a long time questions whether he remains the best keeper in the Premiership? New manager McLeish has made astute signings, although the strength in depth of the squad suggests they may entertain a relegation battle come next May. And McLeish isn’t very good at those…

Blackburn Rovers – Did anyone else notice Blackburn at all last season? I found them strangely ‘meh’, so haven’t really given them any attention this pre-season. Would it be unfair of me to suggest relegation contenders, despite a lack of knowledge?

Bolton Wanderers – Owen Coyle knows his stuff and has somehow moved away from the Sam Allardyce school of wanky ‘kick them up in the air’ football usually associated with Bolton and has actually transformed them into a decent footballing outfit. The return of Daniel Sturridge to Chelsea following an excellent loan spell is likely to hurt, as is the loss of Lee Chung-yong’s creative influence to a broken leg pre-season and if Gary Cahill is tempted away it would be a further influential gap to fill. But if Coyle can somehow attempt Shaun Wright-Phillips away from his City bench-warming duties, then alongside other shrewd deals (Chris Eagles from Burnley) they should remain a decent mid-table outfit. Plus, there’s always the Kevin Davies affect to terrorise opposing defences.

Chelsea – New manager, new football ideals, same old ageing squad. Whilst things rapidly change at Chelsea, nothing really changes at Chelsea. Despite the ageing squad they still have quality throughout, which makes up for the lack of fresh blood into the ranks. Stingy defending will be their chief weapon and in Terry, Cole and Luiz there are few stingier. Yet Premiership ambitions will really be determined on the formation Villas-Boas employs and how to include Drogba and Torres in the same team, if at all. If Villas-Boas fails to convince Torres that he was once world class, Daniel Sturridge’s return from an excellent loan spell at Bolton could prove decisive. Not the time for fitting square pegs in round holes up front, but does Villas-Boas have the bottle to defy his overlord by playing on form rather than on name? Challengers no doubt, but the chairman/manager relationship could derail any charge.

Everton – The toffees will succeed purely because of manager David Moyes (next United manager, anybody?) Despite the lack of a transfer kitty he inspires his team of decent professionals to go out and get the job done. If Saha can remain fit and provide a regular goal threat and they can keep hold of Phil Jags I wouldn’t be surprised if Everton were challenging for a Big Cup spot come the end of the season. Unless they have an utterly wanky start as they did last season!

Fulham – One of the strangest managerial decisions of recent Premiership memory is Mark Hughes leaving Fulham after 11 months, despite having relative success in maintaining Fulham as a decent Premiership team. Little has changed since Martin Jol’s arrival, the squad looking pretty similar to the one that nice uncle Roy left in Hughes’ capable hands, so you would expect them to maintain that mid-table feeling. Might be ageing slightly in some key positions (Murphy, Duff) but should get the goals needed from the likes of Zamora, Dempsey, Johnson and Dembele. Would be nice if they could go on another good run in Europe (so I can get tickets to watch)!

Liverpool – With Statler and Waldorf finally removed, a chairman that wants to invest in the team rather than needing to repay hideous amounts of debt and the return of the King, Liverpool might actually do something this season. Everything seems in place. Strength in depth (Adam to replace the eternally knacked Gerrard) despite the English player tax, a proper left back in Enrique, wingers to feed Carroll, Aquilani on form and showing the potential that he could be just like Xavi Alonso and some genuine world class players (Suarez, Reina, Kuyt) I’d expect a proper title challenge let alone a charge for fourth and a Big Cup spot. Much will depend on away form and making Anfield a fortress like the tail end of last season showed. Kenny knows his stuff, but enduring a long, hard season burdened with expectation will be very different to turning fortunes around mid-season. Suarez for player of the season though…

Man City – Unlike Jose Mourinho, who knew what to do when Roman Abromovich gave him a shitload of cash to spunk on the best footballer players in the world, Roberto Mancini doesn’t seem to have a plan (or a clue) what to do with his benefactors billions. Mourinho spent wisely on a small squad of (expensive) players to build a team he could fit around Terry and Lampard, which met with immediate success. Mancini on the other-hand has brought in so many players, at hideous expense, but can he really get these individuals to play as a team? Especially with Mancini’s negative ‘back and sideways’ yawn inducing football approach that will stifle some of the best players in the world. And you wonder why talismanic player Carlos Tevez has been attempting to escape Stalag Carrington all summer. Real Madrid underachieved massively during their Galatico period. I can’t help thinking that despite the number of World Class players, City are capable of going the same way. Still, worth a watch just to see what maniacal loon Mario Balotelli will get up to this season and what Rio Ferdinand’s first challenge on Super Mario will look like!

Man United – United will be there or there abouts come the end of the season, every season, until Sir Alex decides to call it a day. Scholes may have retired and deadwood like Obertan and John O’Shea shifted on to make way for new blood like Smalling, Phil Jones and Cleverly, but with a strike force of Rooney, Hernandez, Berbatov and Owen being fed by Nani, Valencia and quality signing Ashley Young they will maintain the belief that they will always score one more goal than everyone else. United’s weakness is the lack of an effective water carrier (even when Fletcher is fit) and Evra seemed strangely out of sorts last season and that’s perhaps where the opposition can best hurt them, yet it goes without saying a challenge for their 20^th league title is the surest of sure things.

Norwich – Paul Lambert (one of Scotland’s last great footy players alongside John Collins) has done a terrific job in securing Norwich back-to-back promotions. But are they equipped to stay up? Unlikely. Will be a long hard season for the Canaries!

Newcastle – The easy route to relegation in five easy steps! Sell your star striker for £35 million. Promise your manager that funds from the sale will be made available to rebuild the squad in the next transfer window. Continue to sell your best players (Kevin Nolan would rather play in the Championship than for a Premiership team with limited ambition). Provide limited funds for new players. Bring in Gabriel Obertan! Newcastle will be lucky if they’re not involved in a relegation battle this season.

Q.P.R – Out of the three teams promoted Q.P.R are the most likely to remain in the Premiership next season. Warnock is an old head at this football lark and some shrewd signings, particularly snatching up Jay Boothroyd from Cardiff, and doing his utmost to keep creative playmaker Adel Taarabat, show signs of intent that he doesn’t want Q.P.R to be a one season wonder. But the squad is small and any significant injuries (hello, Kieron Dyer) could spell disaster…

Stoke – The home advantage will likely see Stoke perform as well as they have done in recent seasons. The likes of Huth and Jones will always cause trouble at set pieces and throw-ins and in Etheridge and Pennant they have real quality on the wings to deliver decent ball into the box. The signings of Matthew Upson and Jonathan Woodgate seem a little odd, particularly as one is permanently knacked. Where exactly are they going to fit in with Shawcross and Huth being more than competent at centre-back? Yet the added strength in depth may prove beneficial. Competently mid-table.

Sunderland – Steve Bruce has been a busy bee in the summer transfer market, perhaps in response to the calls for his head by supporters following a dismal second half to last season. But for the quality of Connor Wickham and Craig Gardner he’s had to balance it out with some chaff in the signing of Wes Clown. Clown and Bramble in defence; Premiership strikers must be thinking their in goal-scoring heaven! Bruce will have to hope that Asomah Gyan and Kieran Richardson are on top form at the other end to balance out the goals conceded ratio. And does anyone know if Bruce has purchased a new magic sponge to resolve last season’s injury blight? (Please don’t be any good at Anfield today, pretty please)!!  

Swansea – Who? Sorry, completely facetious I know. Apart from them beating Cardiff to promotion (that likely created more than a few chuckles in South Wales) I really know nothing about them. Looking forward to finding out more though, and hopefully they can be a refreshing breath of fresh air as Blackpool were last season (albeit without comedy genius Ian Holloway in charge – Brendan Rodgers seems a little more serious).

Spurs - Despite their Champions League ambitions it’s strange that ‘Arry hasn’t delved into the transfer market this summer to bolster a squad given the poisoned chalice that is Europa League monkey tennis. Perhaps the fire-fighting he’s been doing to prevent Modric leaving for Chelsea has been keeping him a little too pre-occupied! Still, if ‘Arry has managed to convince Modric to stay, then alongside Bale and Van der Vaart he has three players of different class that can make a real difference, although the lack of a consistent goal-scorer and Gomez’s teflon gloves remain a worry. Sandro might be the player to watch - the water-carrier that the likes of Chelsea and United could both do with. Will challenge for a Big Cup spot.

West Bromwich Albion – Whilst nice uncle Roy’s long ball game utterly destroyed Liverpool’s ‘football’ players last season, at Brom he finds himself once again amongst a team of hard-workers with a hint of quality here and there that are enthused by such a tactic. Uncle Roy will get the most out of his players, Odemwingie and Long will score the goals that keep them in the Premiership and Chris Brunt will bang in the odd 30-yarder. No random Scandinavians signed yet though, which is a shame.

Wigan – Another relegation battle looms, especially with the loss of N’Zogbia to Villa. But I like Roberto Martinez and for that matter think they’ll manage a decent fight of it as with last season.

Wolves – One of the spirited performers last season alongside Blackpool. Will hope to have it a little easier this season and with the quality of the new Premiership arrivals their experience should see them safe again this year despite the obligatory relegation battle.

West Ham United – Oh! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….

My booky wookie...

An old uni chum recently asked me where I was at with the film script I began writing near the end of university. Well, it’s no longer a film script. They be fuck hard to write! Over-dosing on formatting at the expense of telling the story was too much of a tedious chore for my liking. So, the script is now a book, a much better medium for expressing the images, characters and thoughts that currently reside in my mind. Or it would be a book if I was 1) competent enough to portray the images in my head in appropriate words capable of forming readable sentences 2) not so inherently lazy and 3) not easily distracted by films, music, gaming, football, beer, etc. I’ve only managed to get around 6,000 words written in the last 10 years, meaning I’ve led a largely mis-spent adulthood arseing around playing too many games (nothing wrong with that though, right?).

In all, books are also fuck hard to write, and whilst I’ll dabble a bit when I muster the energy, I’d rather bide my time waiting until scientists create a thingy-o-metre that downloads the content of my book straight from my mind onto a Word document. Can’t be long now until some clever twonk makes an app for that...! Anyway, until such a time where we catch up with the future, I’ve taken the decision to resolve the above and at least attempt to double the content of my book by Christmas. Task number one in this endeavour: buy a laptop. Whilst, I have a desktop PC, it’s more of a gaming machine which, when switched on, only serves as a further distraction from cracking on with any writing. What would you prefer - staring blankly at a Word document for two hours, coming up with nothing but a few crappy sentences before weeping uncontrollably into your keyboard? Or, blowing seven shades of shit out of some Latvian goof on Team Fortress 2? So, my desktop is really to blame for the current situation, not me or my prevailing sense of procrastination at all. 

A laptop, however, presents a new level of opportunity at knuckling down and getting things done. I could pretty much write whenever and wherever I want to. On the toilet, in bed, on the commute to and from work, at lunchtime – sounds blissful. No longer will I devise a scene in my head across Waterloo Bridge and not have a pen to jot down said thought, so that by the time I get home to my desktop the image imprinted on my brain has simply vanished, leaving just a small residue of shit between my ears. That way leads to frustration, a ‘why bother’ approach and the dark side. No, from now on it would be out with the laptop on the train, the punching of a few keys and immediate success; some of the images swirling around upstairs would suddenly stick and to the page no less. The laptop is, therefore, a plan with no obvious drawbacks.

So I purchased one a couple of weeks back (Samsung, 6gb Ram, 600gb hard-drive and on-board Nvidia graphics card) and immediately installed Civilisation 5. I’m such a weak willed workshy tit…