Thursday, 8 March 2012

Waterloo and Shitty Line

I’ve lived in and around London Town for almost 10 years now and can count the number of times I’ve travelled on the Waterloo and City Line on a single finger. It’s not for the want of trying though. It just seems every time I go to travel on this particular section of the London Underground there are signal failures. Yes, signal failures, which is kind of odd for what is essentially a shuttle between point A (Waterloo) and point B (Bank) with no other stops in-between. So how in the blue hell does the Waterloo and City line suffer from such frequent signal failures? Is it being run by a bunch of gibbons that hold up the journey regularly for simple chuckles? Well, going by the drivers take on things on Saturday (‘I’m still trying to find out what the problem is’ over-stated the joyless tit) there certainly seems to be a communication breakdown between the goofs on the ground and the clowns running the whole shebang. It’s like Pinky and Perky trying to have a conversation with Bill and Ben.

Speaking of other things that are pointless on London Underground, whoever decided that the inclusion of the Waterloo and City Line map needed to be posted all over the inside of the tube that goes from point A to point B needs a swift kick in the bollocks. Think of the trees you gormless twunts.

You've got to be fucking kidding me...

So after 10 minutes of nut scratching whilst waiting for the Waterloo and City line to kick into gear, Ichabod Bond (a real person who wishes to remain anonymous) and I decided to knock it on the head and get to Bank via the Jubilee Line and Northern Line. After all, we did have the Circle Line pub crawl to begin that morning. It was for my brother’s birthday (the freak was born on 29 February like all the other freaks) and the beer delay was not appreciated. This was my fourth Circle Line pub crawl and here’s what I learned from the experience:

  • The Cross Keys is the place where elephants go to die. If you’ve never seen a real alcoholic and would like to experience odour du bum in full blossom, this is the place to go. They do a mean breakfast though, so not all bad.
  • The pubs that used to sell Frulli beer no longer sell Frulli beer. I know Jean Claude Van Damme has much to answer for but that does not explain why the Circle Line has gone anti-Belgium.
  • Liverpool have been rubbish at taking penalties this season.
  • My brother has the organisational skills of a wombat. Is it really that difficult to check that the second pub of the event is open and not being refurbished until 12 March?
  • Nearly every pub on the line serves Amstel. Good times. The one pub that had Bishop’s Finger on tap had run out. Bad times.
  • Oyster Cards pay-out a maximum of a one-day travel card and then stop rinsing you of cash. Neat. Know that I did not.
  • Kopperberg is the only cider in existence that doesn’t taste like stale piss.
  • I may still have a student loan but I’m not in debt you bunch of monkeys.
  • I’m getting too old for this shit. Sunday’s hangover was a right pain to shift (it didn’t disperse till Monday).
  • If the Waterloo and City Line is run by a bunch of gibbons then the Circle and District Line is controlled by an equally eponymous bunch of simian twats. This is the fourth time I’ve been unable to make it the whole way round the Circle Line owing to the line being closed for some reason that probably has something to do with signal failures (I was drunk at Edgware Road at the time so cannot remember the lamentable excuse). London Underground? Bunch of cave dwelling troglodytes more like.

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