It’s really not all that appropriate to rank your parents in order of awesomeness – after all, you are merely the sum of both their parts following a quickie fumble on the dining room table - yet when it comes to musical influences I’m pretty glad my genetic inheritance opted for my Dad’s taste in things. Sure, he hasn’t listened to any new music since 1991 and is thoroughly set in his ways (I brought him Biffy Clyro’s latest album for Christmas; he booted me out of his house), but through his very narrow scope of the music arena I’ve come to appreciate the quality of quite a few decent bands and artists. The Beatles, Queen,
and the like all featured quite highly in the old man’s album/CD collection, for which I’m particularly grateful. Bowie
My Mum’s taste in music was fucking horrific though. Michael Bolton, Richard Marx, Glenn Medeiros, Phil Collins, Bryan Adams and their pissy soft-rock love ballads have been ruthlessly etched to my brain for all eternity. Even now I’ve got Hazard playing away in the back of my mind… “I swear I left her by the river, I swear I left her safe and sound”. The sound of someone singing through gritted teeth as if they were pissing out razor blades; please, kill me now! So the likelihood of me ever suggesting that shaggy-haired crooner Michael Bolton could ever, conceivably, rock was pretty much a non-starter.
However, when evidence is proffered that proves otherwise, I’ll usually (begrudgingly) hold up my hand and admit that for once I’m wrong. So, thanks to The Lonely Island (regulars who appeared on Saturday Night Live for the uninitiated), creators of parody music videos, I’ve had to reframe my assessment of Michael Bolton. Now, this isn’t because The Lonely Island are really, really good or anything. They’re no Flight of the Conchords, Tenacious D, Weird Al Yankovich or Monty Python for instance, mostly because their R’n’B and hip-hop schtick is slightly… well, shit, yet the following video of theirs is genius just for Michael Bolton as the guest vocal. Seriously, watch it, cry with laughter and then join me in regaling Michael Bolton as not quite as hideously awful as I had originally conceived. If anything, I never thought I’d hear Michael Bolton quote something from Scarface with such chilling authenticity, or do such a good job of looking better than Johnny Depp in outlandish pirate garb!
Oh, Michael, how did I ever manage to live without you…
Now. Please!) Me.