Thursday, 12 April 2012

Diablo 3: Return of the workshy slacker...

Forget about Mass Effect 3 and the wanky ending everyone has been banging on about for the last couple of weeks; there are other third parts to a trilogy on the cusp of release that will show Bioware how not to fuck up a once loved franchise. I mean, some time in the future Valve will release Half-Life 3 and it will surely redefine the gaming experience as we know it. Actually, wouldn’t it be great if Half-Life 3 was released a week next Tuesday with no fanfare or advertising at all. You wake up one morning and it’s just there on Steam, waiting for you to eagerly download and continue Gordon Freeman’s escalation from theoretical physicist of some clout to the alien arse-kicking motherhumper we’ve come to love. Five years since Episode 2 is way too long a wait to experience anything as amazing as the strider/sticky bomb sequence that concludes the franchise thus far.

Wishful thinking...

So, whilst we wait until the end of eternity to hear any news about Gordon’s further adventures (anything Valve – just a note to confirm that it is being worked on will do), something else is required to make up for the bitter taste of disappointment that Mass Effect 3 has brought to the masses. Luckily enough, as Bioware floundered, Blizzard finally announced the release date for Diablo 3. Yay! May 15 is the day will be flooded with eager beavers waiting to tear the hordes of Diablo’s minions a new one with uniquely dropped weapons, carefully chosen skill trees and multiplayer mayhem.

Diablo 2 was the perfect tonic in yonder days of dial-up Internet and student idleness. It provided endless hours of monster-bashing and character building through a variety of levels that differed on each occasion you booted up the game; time much better spent than that studying malarkey. Before you knew it the best part of a week had passed to reach the heady heights of a level 77 Necro and your evening was about to be spent searching for a specialist bone wand with skill bonuses on a cow-run whilst chowing down on your tenth pot noodle of the week and slurping intently from yet another can of piss awful warm lager. Good times. It probably explains why I looked so gaunt and pasty white in my graduation photo, but that was the life of champions.

The wife already knows what to expect when I get my hands on Diablo 3 (sorry love), more so seeing as Blizzard have seemingly taken the ‘don’t fix what isn’t broken approach to the game’. Sure, it has different character classes (although the Demon Hunter appears to be a Bowazon/Assassin cross-breed), the skill tree appears to have been adapted and improved and weapon collection remains all important, but from the look of things it plays pretty much as you would expect Diablo to play (which is the key thing), just more snazzy to ensnare the current crop of conscientious students and turn them into a generation of workshy slackers. I really can’t wait.

Although the problem is I will have to wait. Release date 15 May. I fly out to Tuscany for a wedding on 17 May. Fucksticks. I’ll be at least 50 levels behind the group of monkeys I’ll be gaming with by the time I return home. It’s been a good few years waiting for Blizzard to announce Diablo 3s arrival whilst they iron out the bugs and gameplay so it can be released without needing an immediate patch (just like in the old days – release when it’s ready, not to meet some arbitrary release date with a half-broken product), which I’m immensely grateful for, but the actual release date remains an incredibly irritating bunch of arse. Fucking Fucksticks! I’ll come into it looking like a right Noob.

Anyway, the build up has started. This could be one of the best games of 2012. More details at the link below. Please Blizzard, don’t do a Bioware…

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