Monday 9 January 2012

New Year Bollocks!

Happy New Year everybody! Just to remind you, in case the Tories haven’t got their selective messaging across quite so assuredly yet, 2012 is the year of the London Olympics and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, not the vital year of economic upturn that the country probably needs. So we should all turn those smiles upside down. Whilst train companies continue to take the piss with their inflation busting fare increases, bankers remain exactly that, the NHS is slowly phased out of existence and the poor get poorer, the Olympics and Jubilee double whammy (and the pitiful two weeks of the year those events cover) are expected to make up for the shower of bollocks we’re likely to suffer for the rest of 2012.  

David Cameron with Michael Gove yesterday...

So, if it wasn’t bad enough that the country was being run by Baron Silas Greenback and his legion of inept crows or that Osborne’s fiscal policies have been about as much use as two fish in a tank (how the fuck do you drive this thing?), what else does 2012 have in store? Well, there’s Euro 2012, where once again England will be humiliated at the hands of technically superior European football teams who do not have the liability of Wayne Rooney in their ranks. Poor Wayne has not scored at a World or European Cup Finals since 2004 (when he was actually quite good) and, after serving his current two match ban (which Clive Tyldesley will continually harp on about), will only get sent off in the must win final group match after kicking out against a solid Ukrainian defender for simply doing his job – snuffing out any potential threat Rooney poses. Which won’t be difficult if he’s got another super-injunction in place. No, the only football supporters that will feel any joy this season are followers of Manchester City. But that barely counts for much seeing as they have to live in Manchester

Moving on, you’d hope that Twitter could not get any worse in 2012. Yet it’s only January and Diane Abbott has already announced herself as a front running candidate for Twitter twit of the year. Even that, however, seems a triviality when compared to the language entering the general usage of Twitter users. I mean, whoever allowed ‘Amazeballs’ to enter the English lexicon should be taken outside, lined up against a wall and shot, just before they’re hung, drawn and quartered. Right now, any number of tedious cnut’s are attempting to draft up 2012s killer Twitter dictionary based on the exposure granted to an inanely awful phrase like ‘Amazeballs’. Before you know it we will be swamped with ‘Brillpants’ and ‘Boomtastics’, and drowning in ‘Kumquats’, like a zombie plague of the spoken word. Twitter: the very definition of a billion monkeys and their keyboards attempting to craft together the full works of Shakespeare. And failing miserably.

Maybe TV will give us some respite from the awfulness of it all. Alas, unless you’re willing to sell your soul to the devil and subscribe to Sky so you can access the quality of Sky Atlantic, you’re pretty much hunting for scraps. Sherlock is inspired quality viewing, but a few episodes a year is barely enough to satisfy particularly when everything else on TV seems to feature hideous, vacuous wankers. Desperate Scousewives says pretty much everything you need to know about the quality output of British television. There’s good stuff out their but it’s hidden away behind bonkers, manipulative shite (Beauty and the Geek, Geordie Shores, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, the continuing irrelevance of Big Brother, etc) that simply goads us all into becoming judgemental arseholes. I’d rather be flayed alive and turned into a pair of shoes thanks. Looks like another year of watching repeats of Big Bang Theory on E4 then…

So, at a glance, and despite the Olympics and Jubilee, 2012 will be the most disappointing year in history. Ever. Enjoy it losers…

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